Part VIII - The end?

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning in a bare room with windows, empty of everything else besides you. I read through your pages, and I think this desperate woman whose thoughts I have read on paper must be me, for why else would these pages be here? But I cannot remember. I studied her story, my story, but I don’t know what has happened to me now. Where am I?

After reading, I walked to the first window. I looked out to see where I am, but I only saw a train station. This old woman was speaking to a man about her son, Vronsky, who must be the same as the man I so passionately loved and who has brought about my strange present situation.

The old woman told the man that her son spoke to no one for six weeks and ate food only when she forced him to. She said she thought that he would try to take his own life. She refers to a woman—that must be me, I suppose—and she said I got what I deserved, that we had a child who is living with my husband (who is not this Vronsky?), and that it would be terrible if they met at my funeral! Diary, what happened to me?

I couldn’t listen to her any longer and went to the next window, where I saw her son with an aging and petrified face speaking to a man about going to fight in a war because he has been ruined. When he suddenly winced from a toothache, something like a memory came to me—a feeling only, but still—that this toothache is somehow awful because my Vronsky’s teeth were always in perfect condition. I don’t know why this would matter, but I’ll hold on to anything at this point. He watched the train moving and seemed to be visibly pained. I think I remember a train…

In the last window there is another man, contemplative, living in the country with his young wife and son. He seems familiar to me, too, as if I met him once before but not often. He hides things from himself that he could use to take his own life. A clue? Why am I watching this? What did I do?

When he is out in the fields a storm begins, and as lightning strikes a large oak tree and falls over, he fears dreadfully for the lives of his wife and child. Oh, to be loved so! Would this Vronsky have done the same for me? Could he have saved me from this odd fate? Diary, I think I’ve done something terrible. They don’t say my name anymore, these people I see through my windows, and I fear I’m fading away. I don’t know what will happen to me after this, but for what I’m afraid might be the last time, I will sign my name and hope someone will find you and tell my story so that I will never be forgotten!

Yours forever,

Anna

Part VII: On the Train

Dear Diary,

On the train. I must see Vronsky, I must. Everything will be better then. Once I see him, that is, and we sort everything out. I have been so unreasonably jealous. Haven’t I? Yes, of course. We can be happy now. As happy as Kitty, and as cruel. How she reveled in my weakness, the lowness of my state. She is ashamed of me. He is too, he must be. I do not deserve this.

I must speak to him at once—why are these people so happy? Don’t they understand the misery of life?—There is no love, only vanity. Yes, vanity! Vronsky had his, and had his satisfaction of me. Now I am only an embarrassment; how it would please him if I left!

We are already drifting apart. But I cannot leave him, not for anything. I love him entirely too desperately. Yet I am dissatisfied. An untenable state of affairs. Life is an untenable state of affairs, I think—and there can be nothing different! I thought I loved him. Perhaps I do. I loved Serezha. Exchanging affections, that’s what life is, and perennial dissatisfaction.

If only Vronsky were not unfaithful! But he is not, no, I am unreasonably jealous. No, no, just dissatisfied. I’ll see him. We’ll find our pleasure again. I’ll show him. –

Except we cannot. That’s the truth of things; life is always a torment, suffering is our purpose and there can be no escape. How could we escape? Perhaps he has received my note. He will come, he must come.

This couple on the train, what are they thinking? Anything? No – I can see through them. They speak French and think they’re happy. He thought we would be happy. We can still be happy. We can sort it out. But what’s to sort out? I’ll still be dissatisfied. Or am I jealous? No. I am right. I was right. I miss Serezha. There is no true happiness.

He won’t come. I know it. He doesn’t care a whit for me. Where will I go? What could possibly guide me there? Can I punish him? Could I make him feel as desolate and abandoned as I have? No, no, he must come. He could not torture me so.

Reason? (who are these fools, these empty-headed fools?) Reason reveals that everything is false. All deception—all evil—how I would rather not see than see this! Repulsive! Untrue! Torturer! This cannot go on, cannot—a candle of suffering, illuminating everything, and everything is hateful. I cannot bear it, not a second longer.

I must get off the train. I must see Vronsky, and at once. I must get off the train.

I must get off the train.

Part VI

Dear Diary,

Sorry I'm so late this week. I've just been so busy getting the estate set up, I haven't had a second to sit down and write. Rereading my last few entries, I know I normally seem pretty overwrought and all, so today I'm going to try to be a bit calmer. Also, I'm kind of in a rush to finish so I can go take some morphine and crash. Don't look at me like that.

Where to begin? I've been reading a ton since I last wrote because there's not much else to do around here. Dolly came to visit for a bit. It was really nice at first, but then she started talking about how I should write Alexi asking for a divorce, and it got pretty awkward. I think the niceness of the estate made her uncomfortable, especially since she came in some shabby clothes. Anyway, she left earlier than she had planned, in a bit of a huff.

Veslovsky was here at the same time, and wouldn't stop flirting with me, even though that was exactly what got him kicked out of Levin's estate just before he came here. I couldn't figure out how to react properly, which made me feel kinda guilty in front of Vronsky.

After Dolly left, Vronsky said he had to go to Kashin for the provincial elections, and I tried to keep a calm face. He was supposed to come back in just a couple days, but after he was late I sent a telegram asking if everything was ok and saying that the kid was sick. After I sent it, I got his note saying that he was going to be late, so I was embarrassed, and he still rushed home, by which time, the kid was fine. I think I looked like a whiny little girl who couldn't stand to be apart from him, but he understood and made me feel better.

I've decided to write Alexei to get a divorce. I just can't handle this state of affairs any longer.

xx,

Anna

Worst. Day. Ever.

Dear Diary,

So things were going perfectly with Vron-Vron! We were vacationing through Italy, without a care in the world. Like a second honeymoon… I mean, who wouldn’t want that? Things were FINALLY going as I’d always hoped but never expected they would. Things were so greats that, as horrible as it might sound, not even thoughts about Alexei or my Seryozha could bring me down.


But anyway, we finally decided to go back to reality in St. Petersburg…WORST decision of life!

First of all, Betsy wouldn’t even come visit me! I thought we were friends – she always seemed to get me and Vronsky but now she’s too ashamed to even be seen with me? I should have known she wouldn't be a true friend; something just didn’t feel quite right about her from the start.

Number 1 on my St. Petersburg to-do-list was to see Seryozha because it his birthday was coming up (plus, it had been sooooo long). So I sent a letter to Alexei about it and omg, can you believe it? He completely ignored me! I don’t know whether to be more furious that he wants to cut me out of my son’s life or more shocked that he finally decided to grow a pair! I know that Countess Ivanova is behind it, something about the way she’s been hanging around him so much… and she even sent me the nastiest letter in response to mine!

Despite all that, I went over to see Seryozha today. And even though I had to sneak around like a badass to see him, it was so worth it! I just cried of happiness, being able to finally see and talk to my cute, (still) chubby, little boy. And when I got home I just couldn't stop looking through his old photo albums and baby pictures! Okay okay, so I know I’m not supposed to play favorites but I realized I just connect much more with Seryozha than I do with Anna. He’s the only one who still loves me...

But when I got home, things started to go ape-shit. I just wanted to have a nice night out at the opera; it just seems unfair that Vron-Vron can still hang out with his old friends while I have to hide away from society. So anyway, at the opera, Mme Katsarov made a scene and pretty much called me a whore in front of everyone! And then for the whole night, everyone was just whispering and gossiping about me.

I waited until I got home before I cried my eyes out and Vronsky pretty much just said “I told you so” – thanks! I’ve never felt this alone and humiliated before; Vronnie’s truly all I have left (and I’m even starting to doubt that much…). All I know is I desperately need to get out of this place; so we’re leaving for the country tomorrow.

Karma’s a bitch...and I don’t feel like I’ll ever get out of this mess!

PART IV: Baby One More Time

Dear Diary,

I have a baby girl! I have named her…DRUMROLL please…

…

ANNA!

Isn’t that such a beautiful name?!

So much has changed since I last wrote to you. Basically, Alexei is no longer pretending like everything is ok! Living with him completely sucks…he’s such a hypocrite, he was pretending that we’re still together. Seriously, he was only lying to himself...But Stiva convinced Alexei to grant me a divorce. We’ll see how that goes.

So lately there have been so many awkward encounters, you have no idea. …Vron-Vron ran into Alexei when he was coming over to see me!!! UGH, the whole point was for him to see me when my “husband” (hah!) wasn’t going to be around! But seriously, why Is it so hard to see Vronsky …Anyhow, that rendez-vous with Vronsky wasn’t so great. I feel like such a Debbie-Downer, but I don’t see how this situation is going to get any better. The more and more I think about what’s going on, around me, the more I depressed I get.

Even Alexei….my goodness, what did I ever see in him?! A man, a leader, a lover? He’s none of those things! Those who claim to respect him must surely be joking, I think the whole world is just mocking us! Alexei has no real control, but then again, I don’t really either. He just fails at everything! Why can’t I find people who can simplify my life, not complicate more than it already is?

Life just sucks right now. This baby, oh how I pity the baby! Do I have the energy for her? Do I have the love? I don’t know if I can go on like this anymore…

Stiva came to our home, we got to catch up a bit. I can’t believe I told him how I can’t stand Alexei. I don’t know if I should’ve done that…did I just burn more bridges? Stiva understands the issue I guess…he sees that we were never really in love. I’m glad we talked, I really need to disentangle my life.

But actually now Stiva and Alexei talked, and Alexei will give me a divorce so maybe it’s a good thing I told him how I feel. It’s like Alexei is finally seeing that I’m not that into him. WOhoo!!!!!!!!! Of course Vronsky came to see me and rejoice at the news! I really love him, I do I do I do!

Ok well Vronsky and I are going on a trip so I’ll write about that soon.

Part III: When shit hits the fan

Dear Diary,

Alright, Alright... I guess I didn't really plan out this whole cheat-on-my-unloving-husband-with-hot-young-military-dude- then-fall-in-love-and-get-pregnant-and shit thing out all that well, but damn. Things are not going so well for me.

I mean, I woke up after I told dear Alexey everything and I kinda realized that maybe recklessly declaring my love for Vron-Vron was a bad idea... people CANNOT STOP spreading gossip and stuff about Vronsky and I am just now realizing how terrible it could go for me if people actually knew about the baby. SO I've been crying and stuff a lot, and i realize that i need to get the hell out of this prison that is my home.. so i try to get the hell outta here, with my son. I tell the servants to pack and as I was thinking about all this shit I got myself into, diary, you would not believe what was delivered from Alexey... OMG. I still can't get over it.

A letter, full of the most loathsome things.. maybe i should've seen this coming but it really just flummoxed me:
He. Won't. Give. Me. The. Damned. Divorce. He wants to go on living exactly how things have been going-- shitty.

Why does he want to keep living this lie of a life he's built? I just can't imagine what he's thinking.. knowing him he's just going over the whole thing in his head all rationally and without feeling, making lists and pros and cons. Worst of all, he threatened (in that offhand way he has) to take away my son! Frack. I tried writing a letter to him.. and just ripped it up. I'm just so overwhelmed with emotion-- Anger, at my emotionally stunted husband, fear at the consequences of my actions, sadness at the thought of my life falling to pieces.. I don't know what to do.

SO I call off this whole packing thing and decide to go find Vron-Vron at the summer home.And honestly, i might've been better off on my own. might he be losing interest diary? he seems scared now that he knows about the baby. he said i'd either have to leave my child or things had to remain the same with my husband, but i just can't bare the idea... oh god.

When I come back to Peters(ucks)berg I meet with alexey and... its done. my life- it's over. things will remain the same and he told me i can never see vron-vron ever again. i mean, i told alexei things can never be the same, but the man just does not listen. he thinks only with his brain, and its like his heart is some appendix organ! oh dear. will i ever be happy again?

Diary, wake me up when this nightmare is over.

Part II: An Affair to Remember

Dear Diary,

I’ve made a huge mistake. I think. But I am ruined regardless. This would have been so much easier to handle if I weren’t so happy with him. Sigh

I tried. I told Vronsky at Betsy’s party that it must end, that he treated my poor sister Kitty terribly and he had to ask her forgiveness. I told him we could only be friends, but he knew! Oh, he knew! My attempts to rebuff and deny reciprocation of his declarations of love were ultimately futile. I have never felt this way before. I can’t concentrate on anything else when he’s around. People talk and talk and talk to me and I have no idea what they’re saying and I don’t care. What a fine mess I’ve got myself into now.

Of course my husband noticed, or noticed that others noticed. That’s the kind of man he is: a man, no, a machine, who hardly wants to face emotionally complex realities. He tried to though, tried to politely warn me of the repercussions of having an affair, but only because his peers picked up on my lively relations with Vronsky. I now see him for the man he is and a man I no longer care for. Being with him is a living hell.

Ah but at least I now have my love, Vronsky. Yes, I finally accepted our fate and have at least found my one source of happiness besides Seryosha. Everything hasn’t been coming up roses though.

This is not going to end well.

Reason I: I’m pregnant and Vronsky knows. He wants to leave with me and start our own family, but how to pull off such a scheme? And without ruining my innocent son as well??

Reason II: I spilled the beans to my husband! He thought he was being so noble in warning me about my quite conspicuous concern for Vronsky’s terrible fall at the horse race. (And oh the tormenting thought that he might not be okay! When his horse fell at the last stretch I thought I would never be joyful again! But I shall, I shall! And I will see him soon.) So anyway I finally admitted everything (well, everything except the pregnancy): my love for Vronsky, my hatred of him. There’s no going back now. It’s a bleak and small sort of freedom but freedom still. Everything with Alexei should be resolved soon, I hope.

I have no idea what is going to happen. How do I get out of this mess??

Woe is me.

Love,

Anna