Part II: An Affair to Remember

Dear Diary,

I’ve made a huge mistake. I think. But I am ruined regardless. This would have been so much easier to handle if I weren’t so happy with him. Sigh

I tried. I told Vronsky at Betsy’s party that it must end, that he treated my poor sister Kitty terribly and he had to ask her forgiveness. I told him we could only be friends, but he knew! Oh, he knew! My attempts to rebuff and deny reciprocation of his declarations of love were ultimately futile. I have never felt this way before. I can’t concentrate on anything else when he’s around. People talk and talk and talk to me and I have no idea what they’re saying and I don’t care. What a fine mess I’ve got myself into now.

Of course my husband noticed, or noticed that others noticed. That’s the kind of man he is: a man, no, a machine, who hardly wants to face emotionally complex realities. He tried to though, tried to politely warn me of the repercussions of having an affair, but only because his peers picked up on my lively relations with Vronsky. I now see him for the man he is and a man I no longer care for. Being with him is a living hell.

Ah but at least I now have my love, Vronsky. Yes, I finally accepted our fate and have at least found my one source of happiness besides Seryosha. Everything hasn’t been coming up roses though.

This is not going to end well.

Reason I: I’m pregnant and Vronsky knows. He wants to leave with me and start our own family, but how to pull off such a scheme? And without ruining my innocent son as well??

Reason II: I spilled the beans to my husband! He thought he was being so noble in warning me about my quite conspicuous concern for Vronsky’s terrible fall at the horse race. (And oh the tormenting thought that he might not be okay! When his horse fell at the last stretch I thought I would never be joyful again! But I shall, I shall! And I will see him soon.) So anyway I finally admitted everything (well, everything except the pregnancy): my love for Vronsky, my hatred of him. There’s no going back now. It’s a bleak and small sort of freedom but freedom still. Everything with Alexei should be resolved soon, I hope.

I have no idea what is going to happen. How do I get out of this mess??

Woe is me.

Love,

Anna

Part I: I am intrigued

Dear Diary,

Today I saw a boy. And I wondered if he noticed me.

jkjkjk.

Okay not really jk. I really DID see a boy, but I'm pretty sure he noticed me??? I am just returning from my trip to Moscow to see my poor, hopeless brother Stiva to right another wrong of his. He is a dope, such a dope, and sometimes I really can't understand how men think. He is the greatest of brothers, so sweet and loving, but I guess there is no way to "dip your pen in another woman's inkwell" when it comes to your sister. Really, Stiva and I haven't had any sort of drama since we were children and he might have been a bit of a brat about the toys or greedy for the governesses or mother's attention, but really, not even a tiff since then. How is it, I wonder, that one's spouse is so vulnerable to all that is inconsiderate and selfish about that person, when all other members in that person's life remain basically untouched?

Seems like I'm setting myself up for a great fall by asking that question. Back to the boy at hand. So, I arrive in Moscow with the intention of patching up my brother's marriage. I descend the train after chatting for quite a portion of the ride with the Countess, who was perfectly amicable company.

As I walked off the train, I noticed an officer looking at me. I returned his gaze and we exchanged A Significant Moment. There was such an unexpected spark between us, I simply had to look away! I thought nothing of it, though I was smiling because of it when I saw Stiva. Yeah, I still got it. And I thought there wasn't harm in it anyway, since I'll never see him again.

That came to bite me in the ass. It turned out that the man was Alexei Vronsky, the Countess' son. We were reintroduced and the whole time, I felt bashful around him, as though I was trying to impress him or something. When he gave the grieving widow at the train station money, I was thinking, was he trying to impress me too? But no, I thought, that can't be, he knows I'm married and he is involved with Kitty! But still I kept coming back to that... is he into me?

Up until right now, I thought maybe Vronsky's interest in me was entirely out of politeness. He's a handsome man with a full set of teeth... he probably is charming towards all ladies, whether they're single or not. That's just probably how he is. I thought that even though we talked so much during the ball and caused (I'm pretty sure) Kitty to become upset. But then... he followed me to Petersburg. What does this mean? At this point, there can be no misunderstanding. Is he... interested in me?

I feel awful even asking that question! My stately husband who would never stray from me like Stiva has... my clever Seryozha with his fat legs! But goddamn, do I want it.

Love,
Anna