Part II: An Affair to Remember

Dear Diary,

I’ve made a huge mistake. I think. But I am ruined regardless. This would have been so much easier to handle if I weren’t so happy with him. Sigh

I tried. I told Vronsky at Betsy’s party that it must end, that he treated my poor sister Kitty terribly and he had to ask her forgiveness. I told him we could only be friends, but he knew! Oh, he knew! My attempts to rebuff and deny reciprocation of his declarations of love were ultimately futile. I have never felt this way before. I can’t concentrate on anything else when he’s around. People talk and talk and talk to me and I have no idea what they’re saying and I don’t care. What a fine mess I’ve got myself into now.

Of course my husband noticed, or noticed that others noticed. That’s the kind of man he is: a man, no, a machine, who hardly wants to face emotionally complex realities. He tried to though, tried to politely warn me of the repercussions of having an affair, but only because his peers picked up on my lively relations with Vronsky. I now see him for the man he is and a man I no longer care for. Being with him is a living hell.

Ah but at least I now have my love, Vronsky. Yes, I finally accepted our fate and have at least found my one source of happiness besides Seryosha. Everything hasn’t been coming up roses though.

This is not going to end well.

Reason I: I’m pregnant and Vronsky knows. He wants to leave with me and start our own family, but how to pull off such a scheme? And without ruining my innocent son as well??

Reason II: I spilled the beans to my husband! He thought he was being so noble in warning me about my quite conspicuous concern for Vronsky’s terrible fall at the horse race. (And oh the tormenting thought that he might not be okay! When his horse fell at the last stretch I thought I would never be joyful again! But I shall, I shall! And I will see him soon.) So anyway I finally admitted everything (well, everything except the pregnancy): my love for Vronsky, my hatred of him. There’s no going back now. It’s a bleak and small sort of freedom but freedom still. Everything with Alexei should be resolved soon, I hope.

I have no idea what is going to happen. How do I get out of this mess??

Woe is me.

Love,

Anna