Dear Diary,
Alright, Alright... I guess I didn't really plan out this whole cheat-on-my-unloving-husband-with-hot-young-military-dude- then-fall-in-love-and-get-pregnant-and shit thing out all that well, but damn. Things are not going so well for me.
I mean, I woke up after I told dear Alexey everything and I kinda realized that maybe recklessly declaring my love for Vron-Vron was a bad idea... people CANNOT STOP spreading gossip and stuff about Vronsky and I am just now realizing how terrible it could go for me if people actually knew about the baby. SO I've been crying and stuff a lot, and i realize that i need to get the hell out of this prison that is my home.. so i try to get the hell outta here, with my son. I tell the servants to pack and as I was thinking about all this shit I got myself into, diary, you would not believe what was delivered from Alexey... OMG. I still can't get over it.
A letter, full of the most loathsome things.. maybe i should've seen this coming but it really just flummoxed me:
He. Won't. Give. Me. The. Damned. Divorce. He wants to go on living exactly how things have been going-- shitty.
Why does he want to keep living this lie of a life he's built? I just can't imagine what he's thinking.. knowing him he's just going over the whole thing in his head all rationally and without feeling, making lists and pros and cons. Worst of all, he threatened (in that offhand way he has) to take away my son! Frack. I tried writing a letter to him.. and just ripped it up. I'm just so overwhelmed with emotion-- Anger, at my emotionally stunted husband, fear at the consequences of my actions, sadness at the thought of my life falling to pieces.. I don't know what to do.
SO I call off this whole packing thing and decide to go find Vron-Vron at the summer home.And honestly, i might've been better off on my own. might he be losing interest diary? he seems scared now that he knows about the baby. he said i'd either have to leave my child or things had to remain the same with my husband, but i just can't bare the idea... oh god.
When I come back to Peters(ucks)berg I meet with alexey and... its done. my life- it's over. things will remain the same and he told me i can never see vron-vron ever again. i mean, i told alexei things can never be the same, but the man just does not listen. he thinks only with his brain, and its like his heart is some appendix organ! oh dear. will i ever be happy again?
Diary, wake me up when this nightmare is over.
No comments:
Post a Comment